***Below is a letter to my aunt. She is a woman who’s family is living proof of the Gospel. This is part of the process of “coming out”. Not as gay or lesbian necessarily (because they already knew that) but of coming clean to who I have been and who I wish to become for Him. My testimony is coming but for now..here is a glimpse into my process.***
I lay me down at your feet my Master, find me here with the grace to know
That I am raised up in the perfect love of God
The moment I believe.. Watermark
Hey Titi!!! Good to see that the technological revolution has not passed you by at least! Right now things are ok here. At least as well as can be expected. I have found myself at a rather serious crossroads in my life…one that I never imagined possible. I guess I have just been running so long, I never thought anything would or could catch up with me. Now I have found everything closing in at once. I was released from the hospital a month or so back and while I was there, several things were addressed including my diabetes and mental health issues and addiction and recovery. It seems that I find myself in a very similar predicament that both of my parents once found themselves in and I am doing everything in my power try to stop the cycle. I am speaking of the cycle far beyond habitual conditioning or chemical dependency… This is the cycle of seeking the world. I feel like both of my parents were and are in some ways so blinded by this “reality” that they were unable to understand who they were and are in Christ and what that really means. I have barely just begin to see glimpses of that myself…and although those images are vague and clouded….. I DO see them..and so now I am here. In this space of trying to love myself in the way that He loves me. Trying to accept myself in all ways, knowing that it is not a destination but a journey through grace..Continuing and progressive. I left the hospital with a sense of a renewal but no plan on how to begin to rebuild my life into something completely different than it had been before..and something I have never really seen with my own eyes before. I want a life that honors God. I want a life that brings me peace in Him. I know where my heart is but I have never had the real courage to speak it. I have been afraid of friends and family (and the world in general) for far too long.. And I think I am ready to live honestly.. And I guess that kinda explains this email. I know it may be a bit forward, and perhaps a level of openness that you may have not encountered with me before, but I can not live in the dark any longer. I have nothing but the fondest memories of you and and my uncle and your family. I always saw you as a mother figure for many reasons. You were always easy and trustful and you were patient and funny and you ALWAYS made me feel safe. You had this way of taking things, which to me seemed so large, and breaking them down into manageable pieces with a lightness to it all. These are the things I think of when I think of you. I was never afraid of being honest with you as child and so, it is with that heart I speak to you now. I am struggling spiritually and physically. I feel like I have finally woken up. I always knew that there was a world that lived differently… That thought differently and existed in a state where God was their life and rock..I knew it was there..But I feel that I can finally see it..But that’s not enough. I want to touch it, and let the love and the light consume me. I would love nothing more than to spend a weekend with you guys and experience one of your services. I think it prove beneficial in many ways, but I guess I just needed to honest with you as to where I am in life at the moment. Please let me know which weekend would be good for you. Tell Grandma that I say hi and that I love her..Again, I am sorry if this email takes you off guard in anyway. Please pray for me as He work His way out. I love you guys.
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