The thing about writing a blog is that there’s a written account of things I meant to do….or things I wish I had never done….but most often of things that make me look a fool. It’s not a talent, mind you, I am just naturally foolish. Foolish and not very shy. Case in point, my ambitious rule of the PTA bulletin board at Gavin’s school. Have I busted out my brilliance on a bulletin board display to date? No. Have I displayed my Christmas wish list in the hopes that PTA members will buy gifts for me? I haven’t, but there’s still time. I haven’t even emailed committees about their stupid upcoming events. Nope. I wait until the PTA Head Mistress emails them and copies me on it. And then I respond by telling her what a good idea that was. I’m probably really letting down that group of dads calling themselves W.A.T.C.H Dogs, but I don’t need a random collection of dads watching my kid or promoting themselves as “good” role models. Puh-lease bitches, y’all need to be watching the street out front and keeping rude parents from stopping IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET to pick up their kids.
I’ve also written about my vibrator a ridiculous number of times. In fact, it’s one of the most used tags on my blog. Douche, humping, nipples, porn, ass, and balls are the other big ones. Obviously, I need to vary my vocabulary but nothing else seems to have the power to convey my true feelings about a douche quite like the word “douche” does. But I’m open to suggestions. Sadly, Shakira, My Little Pony, and Ice Road Truckers are the terms that generate the most hits on my blog. To be honest, I’m a little concerned about the My Little Pony fetish that seems to be happening.
And just when I think I’ve shared enough embarrassing stories about my life with you, my memory and inability to filter my writing in a more appropriate manner prevail! I wish I could stop myself RIGHT NOW but that’s not going to happen. Instead, I’m going to tell you about the time when Tom and I were dating and we were invited to a holiday party. It was early in our relationship and though we had known each other for years, I hadn’t met most of the people at this party. And if you didn’t know before, I have a slight issue with control. Issue as in Janet Jackson is constantly singing about it in my head, complete with synthesized percussion. Yeah, that’s right, I made an obscure 80’s reference…that includes a Jackson. Suck it, bitches.
And so in wanting to know everything that might possibly happen at this party, I asked Tom what kind of party it was going to be. He was like, “What do mean? It’s just a party.” Clearly, that wasn’t a thorough answer. So, I asked, “Are there going to be any girls kissing?” WHAT?! I know, I can’t believe that was the question I thought would give me the best indication of what to expect at a party. Not, “Should we stop and get a bottle of wine?” or “Is this see-through shirt appropriate?” No. I basically wanted to know if I was going to get drunk enough to go Katy Perry for the night. But I JUST wanted to be prepared. New groups make me nervous!
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