I’m pleased that my little precious “pumpkin” and I have come full circle enough that I can honk and wave at her, or, we can say Hi, thank you, and you’re welcome when she chooses to make an appearance. For us that’s progress I guess, because sadly our ending and the conclusion of us, goes something like this…We act as if we’re 2 distant strangers that have never known each other before…I will not bother her nor would I ever trouble her for anything again…Even sharing simple conversation seems impossible for us, at this point…I tried once, but she made herself very clear by turning away and saying absolutely nothing to me whatsoever…Well, no wait! She said the word “what.” But in her defense! The last words I chose to communicate with her before this were hateful and bitter, including the words “Go Away, and Stay Away!” But then enough time had passed by and healing had begun…So I tried to be friendly and talk to her again afterwards…Although it was obvious that she wasn’t in the same frame of mind…But you know, truthfully I cannot blame her in the slightest way either! I would be kind to her on one day and cruel and hateful on another…I was hurting after all…But regardless of that, she has every right to ride any bus she wants to, without any hassle from anyone, including me…I’m there to do my job, and maintain myself professionally…So that’s what I do, but nothing more nor anything less concerning her…Even when she hurt her leg, somehow? It just about killed me, but I said nothing, respectfully and kept quite…
She will come to my bus from time to time, but I can’t help to wonder why she does? Of course I’ll never know? Although I seriously doubt it’s just for a ride…No, some other reason has got to be involved…Because for 1 thing, her personality is about as complex as mine is! And while I can definitely be care-free and spontaneous at times, generally I prefer to think ahead and plan things out beforehand, especially if I want to avoid someone…And I feel that we are similar in this way…But for 2, if she is simply taking my bus randomly, and that’s true after all…Well, mathematically she would be riding on my bus more, not less! More than she actually does now anyway…But she doesn’t…I’m pretty darn positive that she goes out of her way to avoid me on most days truthfully…However, she has her girlfriend with her often, and maybe this is her way of being courteous, and respectful towards me when they’re together? By riding on any other bus, other than mine? Perhaps I’m giving her too much credit? I don’t know…But I’m most grateful if that’s the case, after all…I would much prefer that she remain distant from me when she’s got her love interest by her side…But with deep sincerity, I give her much credit and I will say this much for her…
She was aware of the power she had over me, and she knew how to crush my heart and spirit completely if she wanted to, but yet she didn’t…You know, I did something rare by trusting her enough to share my feelings and vulnerabilities with her…And I shall never forget her kindheartedness, for as long as I live! By choosing not to hurt me as much as she could have…It makes me think to myself, that she must have really cared about me, after all…Sure, it’s possible that fear prevented her from doing such hurtful things to me? But I choose to believe she is so much better than that, truly…I want to believe that I meant something to her after all, that I was worth more to her than just sex…That I was worthy of her love too, because I strongly felt as though she loved me deeply, once upon a time…
Truthfully, I don’t understand very much at all…For she remains a mystery to me…She is like kryptonite, draining me of all my superpowers…I surmise that my intuition is completely useless where she is concerned…And my gut instinct is of no use either…All of it becomes worthless! She engulfs me in utter confusion, and my strength vanishes away…I hate to admit that I was defeated, but…
Confusion will continue to linger around and torment me, when I allow it too…I’ve got so many unanswered questions to choose from, I hardly know where to begin…I can’t help but wonder what prompts her to enter into my presence from time to time? Does she miss me too perhaps? Is there something she wants/needs to say to me, but she just can’t find the courage or the proper words that fit? Or, does she simply need to hear my voice, and see my face every so often? The questions will just keep coming at me if I don’t stop them…Although sometimes this becomes impossible for me to do *sigh*As a prime example, I wonder if she was behind sending her current gf onto my bus alone one day? Or is it possible that her gf did this all on her own? Which ever it was, she definitely made herself known to me nonetheless…And their/her mission was succesful! Because I got the message loud and clear that this is her new girlfriend! Although honestly, this event was more humorous for me than it was hurtful…I mean seriously, she sat by me, having a cell phone conversation, of course mentioning “pumpkin’s” name rather loudly, I suppose so I would be sure to hear her? And the conversation was about meeting “pumpkin” later on at her studio, clearly…Although she did say “thank you” when she stepped out beyond the door while she turned back to get a look at me…She was just steps away from being at “pumpkin’s” apartment after all, but apparently the phone call was necessary anyway…^smile^
Therefore I will show them both the proper respect as a couple…And, I won’t attempt to make peace with “pumpkin” anymore either…She ignored everything I had to say anyway…But honestly, I had nothing left to lose…And it was a lovely letter that I wrote to her? By simply ignoring the letter and not responding she managed to send me a very clear and precise message that I couldn’t help but understand already…
Therefore in conclusion..I’ve had to put forth much effort into eliminating this need of mine that yearns for understanding certain situations that’s not meant to be understood obviously…I have to constantly wrestle with the temptation too think that I can make sense out of every single circumstance…I must learn to surrender everything, especially the things I have absolutely no control over in the first place! When will I ever learn that my will or my best intentions cannot change one much in the grand scheme of things? Because it basically consumes me when I allow it to…
What I do know for certain, and what I would do much better to keep in mind after all…Is when “pumpkin” wanted me in her life, she made herself very clear about it and she made herself available! Plus, when she wanted me to understand her motives and intentions towards me, she made it effortless…She would boldly tell me what she wanted me to know…But then she became more evasive over time…
I don’t know, perhaps it’s just time I admit to myself that I wasn’t as important or special to her as I had once thought I was…She would give me such conflicting information at times that I couldn’t decipher what she truly meant to say to me any longer…Because at one point she did tell me that she was only using me to gain sexual experience and yet the next day she told me that she loved me over the phone, for the first time? Sadly, I’m beginning to understand the truth of the matter I guess, which I cannot fault her for either, in all honesty…Perhaps she only thought that she loved me in the beginning, but realized she didn’t after all and grew bored and tired of me fairly quickly? I suppose that she was ashamed of me also…And when she told me that she had “no feelings for me at all” suppose she actually meant it…I thought she was just speaking from anger and hurt at the time unfortunately *sigh* But you know what, I’m an adult, I actually knew better, and yet, I chose to go through this with her in spite of the facts…
She is young, and she is doing what a young, curious, woman does in her circumstances…She felt an attraction and the chemistry was there between us, so she pursued it with confidence…I adore her for that actually! And I was a full participant, I wasn’t helpless, nor was I her victim…She didn’t force me to do anything that I didn’t already desire to do with her from the very start…I could’ve turned her away, but I made the choice to remain available for her…So I absolutely refuse to feel sorry for myself about any of this nor do I have the right to be angry with her for any of this mess either! Sure, my heart breaks over losing her from my life, and yet it will always remain my utmost pleasure to have loved her as I did, after all…I will never understand her entirely, but I will always love her…I gave her my heart and my body to do with as she pleased, I gave her passion and sensuality…But, what she may never understand about my gift to her is that I kept my body absolutely pure for a very long time… And I waited patiently until the most special and rare person showed up to give myself to…She wasn’t quite what I was expecting to be honest, due to our age difference…But she was the one I had been waiting for nonetheless…So I followed my heart, instead of my head…For within my being, she brought me back to life…A feeling I’ve rarely felt from another human being…I shared a feeling of connectedness and affinity to another heart and soul…I felt as though I had loved her before? Beyond this life somewhere…But of course I was constantly aware of the risks too…Although it remains a fact that I cannot deny, that at the heart of the matter…I genuinely love my “Pumpkin” in a way I’ve never loved another before…Therefore I consider her my soulmate too, although there is another one yet to come for me…Yet, my “Pumpkin” will always remain an important lesson for me in becoming a less self-absorbed, less self-serving, less self-centered person…Because I make the choice to love her in each and every moment, despite how she may feel about me in return? And I’ve forgiven her for hurting me in the ways that she did, and I can only hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me someday for hurting her too…With the most unselfish love that my heart can possibly muster up, I continue to let go of her day by day, for her good as much as my own…
But most of all, I hope that she’s being loved as she truly deserves to be, and I pray that she is happy and living her life to its fullest, which is quite unselfish of me after all…I suppose that I am currently learning the truest meaning of love, trust and faith from moment to moment…And I trust in the wisdom of the Divine Spirit of Love, which has led me to this arduous work I’ve begun to do within myself…I believe with all of my heart, this pain I’m currently enduring will eventually manifest itself as blessings beyond my comprehension, at the appropriate time…One day I will be blessed to receive the same kind of love that my heart was created to give…And I will be loved with insurmountable amounts of love and finally I will know the meaning of true, gentle intimacy with a love to call my very own…Until then I shall keep the faith that she’ll arrive at the exact and proper time, when our paths finally meet…Although that time is not now…This is progress over perfection at work in my life…
No comments:
Post a Comment