Oct 31st 2009
Boo! Halloween is upon us all…
I’m thankful for within my mind, some true peace has begun to take root…And once again, I can actually hear beautiful music playing in my head much of the time…A curse is lifting! Because my mind can become a treacherous place before I know it, filled to the brim with incessant and repetitious thinking…Although, I’ve been told that obsessive thinking is nothing uncommon for people like me…Although I’m diligent about overcoming the wreckage…
This has been a busy week for me, but worthwhile and good nonetheless…
I am actually getting the hang of being a day person after all! And definitely beginning to relinquish my nebulous ways, finally! This was the first (difficult) choice I had to make, when considering transformation for myself…To stop living and working through the night, when much of the world was sleeping…But honestly, I’ve always been happiest living under the moon, I did my sleeping while the sun was shining and while the rest of the world was living…I don’t believe that I was hiding from life and the sun necessarily, as much as it’s just my natural way to spend my life in the moonlight…The adjustment hasn’t been easy whatsoever but it has been rewarding…An advantageous arrangement, I would say…
I’m becoming acquainted with consistency and routine…I’m am becoming stable! Consistency and routine have been absent throughout my entire life, but I’m welcoming to both these days…It’s a wonderful but strange feeling to be so far removed from the instability I’ve always known before…
My ever-growing relationship with my Higher Power is the key…This relationship brings forth grace and releases me from self-destruction, it releases me from the desire to be perfect…By understanding it’s simply about the progress that I make and not about the perfection after all…The desire to be perfect at anything or attempting to be perfect for anyone is quite the character flaw actually…Thus perfection is deceptive! Knowing, but most importantly ‘remembering’ this lifts me out of despair. Oh the damage that despair can do to a soul is infinite! Because it was despair that led me to keep my vulnerabilities and needs a secret from other people, which then led me to being completely incapable of true intimacy with other’s, which led me to the desire to isolate myself from them, which then ultimately led to such loneliness…The most painful feeling a human being can endure is loneliness…I could be in a room with 500 people who loved and adored me and I would still feel all alone *sigh* I suppose without the ability to trust people, it’s not possible to believe they can love you either…So, if you’re a person (like myself) that has felt unworthy of anything that’s worth having. Plus, you aren’t capable of trust either…How can Hope persevere? How can Love persist?
The answer for me and many other’s struggling through life, is the 12 steps…When our spiritual revolutions begin…It’s hitting our bottoms, the lowest point throughout our lives, where we simply give up entirely…When you hit your personal bottom, where else do you have to go, than up? When you’ve hit the place where it becomes emotionally impossible to sink down any further and remain among the living…This is where our (collective) glimmer of hope comes into view. I suppose that many people will just give up and turn their heads away, refusing to see it…While some of us are most grateful for the glimmer of light peering through the darkness and choose to follow where it leads…This becomes our new beginning! This is the point where we evolve into maturity and transformation begins…The place where we begin to trust and we find ourselves in the hands of a loving God…
I respect religion, but only to a point…When it becomes less about your individual and personal relationship with the God of your understanding and more about politics and a God that is hell-bent (pardon the pun) on punishment and undue destruction. Rather than a God that corrects and disciplines us with love…By letting us think for ourselves and then letting us suffer the consequences…By learning our life lessons from falling down so often, as the mortal beings we are after all, but unconditionally give’s us a Divine hand to get back up again afterwards…Respectfully, I’ve come to believe that this is how our relationship with God deepens and ripens…But, the whole notion of my God is better than your God is redundant and I shall differ from the proud and arrogant who believe in these very profound ways…
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