Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
For those of you not in the know “Jenny” (pseudo-name) is my lesbian friend. Friend meaning, she already has a girlfriend, and we are “just” friends. Jenny though, has for many years been the subject of many thoughts, dreams and ehh… thoughts; and not forgetting a number of rather nice moments.
We have a weird relationship. On the previous occasions where she has offered herself to me (pre and during girlfriend), I have always been hindered by my conscientous side. The first such “moment” occured when I wasn’t “out”, and thus, felt somewhat embarassed/unwilling to put myself out there, when in the presence of all of my friends. Y’know, it was an awkward situation; and I didn’t want my first proper lesbian experience to be one that be recalled by a fifth of my year-group.
Since then, we have come close on a number of separate occasions. There was a time in a smoking shelter, a time whilst walking to a bus stop, a time when she slept round my house (there’s a blog on here about that event), and then there’s been tonight.
Tonight, was actually quite important.
Jenny’s girlfriend wasn’t actually present during the main course of the evening; she had (thankfully) buggered off somewhere, which left Jenny, “Sally” and myself all alone!
For the girls out there, you’ll be aware of the power of the female chat. It’s power is indefinite, and can reach far beyond the power of mere communication, but extend to creating and installing great feeling, and desire within oneself. Also, we also have this innate ability to talk openly about sex, wanking, boobs, arse, people we fancy, and more sex thrown in. These conversations are utterly brilliant; but they can also be revealing, and also make one feel incredibly horny.
For example, when confronted by “Sally” in her drunken slur “Would you ever have sex with me?”, I said no. It’s true, she’s one of my closest friends, and I don’t see her in a sexual way. Then Jenny perks up, “Oh, what about me?” – to which my response can only ever be, “Of course!” in a jovial way; hoping that she’ll hear the undertones, but will not dig at it too much.
Sally and Jenny being the drunk things they were, were not content on asking me this question just once, oh no, it had to be asked about a hundred times. There’s only so many times once can avoid answering, and it got to the point where I had to admit to Jenny that I would indeed have sex with her. Luckily, by this point, Sally was beyond drunk. Although not completely knocked out, rolling around on the floor, and laying half-dead in the middle of the pub suited her just fine.
Jenny though, has always been aware of my want for her. I mean, I’m not exactly good at trying to feign disregard or want, when the whole of my body is yelling and screaming for something. She knows that, we’ve been in enough situations for that to occur.
Then comes the “toilet incident”. After a large number of drinks, I must admit my bladder was well on its way out, and coincidentally, Jenny’s bladder also came the same point at the same time. (Females I must admit, have a tendancy to collectively piss; if one of us needs to go, we all have to go – it must be an evolutionary thing)
Alone, in small, dingy toilets Jenny and I are confronted with what we both know. Our girly chat, and constant talk about sex (and just our general desire for it) had made all three of us incredibly horny. Then once again, she tries to kiss me, and touch me. Yes, it’s nice, and yes, I want to; but of course, I’m ruled by my mind.
She corned me in, her hands running up me, her lips touching mine; and what do I do? I say “No, no, no, no NO!”, to which she says, “You’re saying no to yourself aren’t you?”
It’s terribly obvious to her, and that didn’t stop her. Throughout the night, whenever Sally had gone for a walk, fallen over somewhere, rolled down a ditch, or had fallen temporarily asleep upon someone, there she was, groping, touching, and trying to kiss me.
Eventually, all three of us embark upon a collective piss in the pub toilets; whilst Sally in still in the cubicle, Jenny is upon me again. She slowly grinds her body towards mine, and runs her hands along my chest, she brings her lips (yet again) to mine, and whispers “You know you want to” to me. I don’t actually do anything to stop her, only hoping Sally loses her arse down the toilet or something, so the moment can linger on for a moment or two longer; yet I don’t engage in anything. It’s just two girls, very close, touching each other, on the verge of kissing in the womens toilets.
I tell Jenny that she’s “Impossible”; which I believe is one of the few things that she actually made sense of all night.
This, is a horrible situation. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t love her or anything, but she’s just incredibly sexy, endearing, and sexual. She’s open and honest about herself (such as pulling off her top in the toilets to Sally and I to show us her boobs this evening), and I enjoy being in her company. When in December, she slept round mine, we had such a good time together; and I felt really comfortable and at ease around her. Being able to hug her in the night, and feeling her body up against mine, it feels so right.
But she is impossible. She has a girlfriend, a person who has been a long-time friend of mine; and a friend who would make things incredibly awkward if she became aware of any relations between Jenny and I. Then there’s the fact that Jenny is overtly aware that I want her, she knows this, even before tonight when I told her, and she loves to play on it. She loves to flaunt herself, and she loves creating situations where she can find herself with me. Yet she also knows that I won’t act because of the girlfriend, that I have this continuous battle between heart and mind. I think she likes to see me squirm.
I just wish we had more chances to be around each other. Tonight, and the ability to be girlfriend free was a complete rarity; infact, I haven’t actually been able to spend any meaningful amount of time with her without the girlfriend present since just before Christmas.
Even moreso, I just wish I could act how I want to. I don’t want to hurt my friend, but at the same time, I just want to live; and surely, if Jenny seems so willing and decisive in her actions then surely that points out issue with their relationship?
Or maybe, I’m still drunk and I’m just trying to find excuses as to why in future I should be more willing to allow it to happen.
x
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