I’ve really enjoyed reading other lesbian oriented blogs. I don’t have a community of lesbian women in my age group (or outside it, but I’m an ageist, there I said it) to talk to and reading other blogs makes me feel less isolated. I still identify as being a 20-something. It also makes me feel a bit old at 27 to be coming out, but it was the right time for me.
I even considered joining my local lesbian meetup group last night, but I am not an old, pear shaped, bowling interested, mom jeans wearing dyke. Yes, I deserve to be ostracized. I have deep wells of shallowness. I will persist in going out out, eventually I will stumble into friends or scurry back into the closet. I lost my optimist card today.
Purge: I had sinus infection symptoms last night, but after a good night sleep I’m feeling much better although not 100%. My father (the lifelong verbally abusive emotionally crippled alcoholic who my mother left a month ago…to move into my house…) called while I was trying to sleep and blasted me with a heavy dose of self pity and blamed me through his tears for I don’t know what but it’s my fault because of my lack of sympathy. He’s cutting me out of his life because I haven’t been supportive enough: new locks on his house, changing his phone number and won’t be giving me the new one. The cold ugly feeling is rising in my chest again. I refuse to be accountable for his fucked up life choices. Until I can solve all the ugliness in my life with hugs; I’m going with the indifferent approach.
I wish my mom would make a plan for her life and move out. I’m a bad daughter, a terrible person, and a frustrated lesbian. I hate being closeted in my own home. But coming out to mom without a her to point to and say “see” seems like a pointless interjection of awkwardness into my daily life.
No comments:
Post a Comment