Proposition 8, a new provision to the California Constitution, reads:
Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.— Wikipedia
Your gay wedding is a special day for you, your loved one, relatives and friends. You’ve chosen the flowers, the rings, the wedding finery. Now here’s how to make it official in the State of California.
First, lay in a supply of handguns, rocket-propelled grenades, and shoulder-launched missiles. I’ll explain how to use them later. Your wedding needs to be scheduled on a weekday during the County Clerk’s office hours. Plan carefully! Your wedding may result in injury, mutilation, imprisonment, death and/or a hefty fine.
You should invite all of your friends who own trucks, SUVs, Escalades, and Humvees. These should be outfitted with gun mounts on the hood, and an anti-tank guided missile system on the back.
Invite many guests, you will need them to replace those felled by return fire from your local police and sheriff. Instruct your guests that wedding wear should be something that allows them to run, climb, and lay down covering fire. Discourage female guests from wearing gowns and high heels. Instead they are to wear khaki and camo.
On the wedding day, it is best to exchange rings, vows, and have a ‘traditional’ though not official, wedding before you head off to the courthouse. This prevents later disappointment in case the brides or grooms die during the official ceremony firefight. Drill your wedding guests into a mean combat unit ahead of time.
You prepared the Armored Vehicles (AVs) the day before by mounting guns and missile launchers. The AV’s were disguised with painted well-wishes such as “Just Married” and the weapons covered with white daisies. Now the AV’s caravan to the courthouse and fan out around the entrance, flattening any obstacles like fire hydrants and signs.
Upon arrival, elite wedding guest weapons handlers unwrap the Grenade Rifle Entry Munition M-100 system (GREM). We highly recommend the GREM, which can blast a door in from half a football field away. You never know who or what awaits you behind the courthouse door. Aim the GREM at the door and command the guests to insert their pre-issued earplugs that match the wedding color scheme.
Using the GREM you’ll have no trouble entering the courthouse unimpeded. The wedding guests follow pre-planned orders and enter in formation. Ignore the approaching sound of wailing sirens. If the Clerk is alive, threaten her until she gives you the certificate that you came for. If she fell victim to the GREM, make staff rifle through the drawers and give you a marriage certificate. Make sure that it is signed by a County official!
Once you have the certificate, order the wedding guests to draw their pistols and cover the wedding couple’s exit, and have guests withdraw in formation. If law enforcement has arrived, the guests should lay down covering fire while the wedding couple leaps into the AV and peels off, launching missiles as it retreats. If the police gun down one or both of the wedding couple, trained wedding guest medics should retrieve the newlyweds to an AV as soon as battlefield conditions permit.
Wedding guests should retreat to the AV’s as feasible, and follow the preassigned escape plan. Do not leave any wedding guest behind! This is rude and potentially fatal. Each AV should follow its unique evasion plan to the secret Wedding Reception location.
Upon arrival, guests may change into wedding attire, tuxes, gowns and heels so long as they retain a fully loaded pistol upon their person at all times. If the bride or groom or both have been injured or killed, the guests should make arrangements for medical attention that is waiting on-site, or dispose of the bodies. In case both brides or grooms have perished, the guests may use the Reception as a wake, funeral and reconaissance point for their new life on the lam.
Planning is the key to a successful gay wedding under Prop. 8, we cannot emphasize this enough. Planning, training, skill, courage and of course, love! No wedding would be complete without all of these. We wish you luck on your California gay wedding. Write and tell us about it, if you make it.
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